Thursday, August 10, 2006

Back in black

Well, not so much black as brown and silver, being the loincloth and swort respectively.

My new lappy finally arrived yesterday afternoon, so I have reached the psychological point where I am ready to start blogging. Ok, that is crap too, I just couldn't be arsed sitting in my cold study on my ancient desktop, so wanted to wait for the prospective warmth of my loungeroom and the lappy. So now I can lounge on the couch, (or is that couch on the lounge?), pug footwarmers in place (they like the loungeroom too) and blog my little heart out. Or not, depending on how I feel.

So in order to say something (anything) to at least keep those of you who stumble in by mistake here for a few more secs, I need a POINT. So here 'tis:

People With Talent.

I have decided that we don't like them. Never have. Jealousy - pure and simple. I have come to the creeping realisation that as much as I liked to delude myself, even if I wasn't a relatively lazy bastard, all the training in the world wouldn't have made me amazingly good at anything. So we don't like People With Talent.

I want to officially protest that there isn't a range of pharmaceuticals that can do one or more of the following:

1. Make me dance like a cool black guy. And for the record, I am thinking more along the lines of Usher than MC Hammer. At least despite seeing the Hammer first time around, I still know who Usher is - I is still down wid da kids.

Let's face it, anything that makes me look slightly less like a guy suffering an intense allergic reaction to something flying at him would help here.

2. Make me obscenely talented with at least one musical instrument. Now I played piano for 7 years, clarinet for 4, even the recorder for about 5, but I am still incredibly impressed by musical talent. Perhaps though not like my musical neighbour, who plays French Horn for the SSO, I understand. I have been off sick from work a bit lately, so have heard her practicing - she is amazingly good, and very dedicated. But the French Horn does not pull the chicks.

It used to be the sax in the 80's and 90's. Interestingly I understand that historical trends are now being bucked and that the bass player often gets the chicks, although not as much as the singer or lead guitar, naturallement. Never the French Horn player though.

On that note, however, I should point out that it was the BASS recorder that I played. Laaaaadies.....

3. Give me incredible sporting ability. Not Thorpedo-esque metatarsal massiveness, just being really good at something like tennis, or basketball. I still play both, and am not that crap at either. Even rugby, which I played for many years. Short of being able to grow about another 8 inches, being awesome at basketball isn't such an option - besides I think I would scare my friends at 6'9''. Roger Federer seems to have tennis sewn up, and I don't look any good in a headband. I don't need to make myself any uglier than god did already, so even rugby isn't looking good.

Perhaps if I was thinner, younger, fitter, taller and willing to wear tiny shorts I could be good at AFL. Will have to think about that.

Nah - the shorts. You understand.

4. Make me a stunning singer. Now without wanting to blow my own trumpet - I'm just not that flexible - I have a decent singing voice. But people like Katie Noonan from George, Lenka from Decoder Ring, Ian Astbury from the Cult (heh), Kav from Eskimo Joe - these people have great voices. Bastards. Except Katie and Lenka - when they start to sing, I fall in love with them every time. Damn.

5. Make me good at art. In the traditional sense. I am a crap artist, whereas some people can pick up a pencil and draw something by just thinking about it. Some of the most engaging art I have is simple copperplate sketching by an Australian guy. Now I can take a pretty fair photo, some of them are even vaguely artistic, but...

Anyhoo, the list could go on. Feel free to add to the list of things that should be able to be enhanced instantly and painlessly, (oh, and I am not counting surgical procedures here). Just think of those people who are incredibly good at stuff. I mean sure, they have to sacrifice a lot to succeed, be extraordinarily dedicated and hard working, and often still don't succeed. But we still hate them.

35 Comments:

At 3:03 pm, Blogger W said...

Welcome back. Glad to see the funny is still intact after the illness.

I would like to add to the list:

People who can write. Now, not to offend my host, but I am not talking bloggers here, although there are some really excellent writers in the blogosphere.

No I am talking those Pulitzer/Nobel Prize for Literature writers who can make me weep by turning a phrase.

I wish I had talent. Of any sort.

Oh, and at least you don't yell out "I love you!" to Lenka at concerts. It could always be worse....

 
At 3:03 pm, Blogger WJ said...

It is a matter of time...

 
At 3:37 pm, Blogger actonb said...

I would like to be fair and impartial and able to understand others' views with out getting really really annoyed with them. Surely there needs to be a drug for that...

 
At 3:53 pm, Blogger Georgia said...

I used to get SO annoyed at my sister for beign blessed with the long legs and co-ordination that made her a natural at any sport or any type of dancing that she tried out. Meanwhile, I was the club foot nerd girl. What really shat me though was that she'd never commit to one sport or form of dance and see how far she could take it. She just didn't have the competitive thing going on. I had that bit no worries - so I had to unleash it academically and I'd get really mad if I came second in an English exam or got less than 45/50 for a 3-Unit exam...

 
At 4:09 pm, Blogger fingers said...

For 1 and 5, I recommend half a litre of Jim Beam...

 
At 4:13 pm, Blogger WJ said...

well, perhaps that could help me with 1 and 4 fingers, although I don't think I can do the J thing these days.

Gin, vino or beers will do the trick though. And I could always knock off some of those, head down to Kelly's on King St, dance my little heart out and hit the karaoke. Maybe I could even take my bass recorder along to seal the deal.

Then again, I might just stay at home and amputate my limbs one by one with my nail clippers...

 
At 4:20 pm, Blogger W said...

Now that I would pay money to see WJ. I'd even buy the drinks.

Not the clipping amputations you undersatnd.

 
At 4:24 pm, Blogger WJ said...

yeah, but as we all know it would probably take enough grog to anaesthetise a rhino to get me to do that, and I would be snoring well before that..

 
At 4:48 pm, Blogger fingers said...

Ooops...make that 1 and 4.
Damn bourbon...hic...

 
At 4:51 pm, Blogger fingers said...

Not that I had a musical bone in my body...but if someone had taken the time to explain that playing an instrument well was more effective than GBH at getting a trout's pants off, I may have tried harder in recorder class.
Then again...hard to explain to a 7 year old why getting a trout's pants off will be a result...

 
At 5:03 pm, Blogger Chesty LaRue said...

You lost me at Eskimo Joe.

Ewwwness.

That aside, I'm with w on the writing thing. I hate people who can write. Talented fuckers.

 
At 5:12 pm, Blogger Mex said...

i long to be talented too.

unfortunately all i have is my witty tongue and staggeringly tall height.

which just makes me a tall cunt.

 
At 5:48 pm, Blogger fingers said...

You'd be more use with half the wit and a longer tongue...

 
At 5:49 pm, Blogger fingers said...

KAPOW !!!
C'mon Mexy...that was a good one...

 
At 5:54 pm, Blogger WJ said...

I thought you were going to say she would be better off with half the height and a longer tongue, fingers.

And, er, I for one certainly do not hold that view, mex. At all....

 
At 5:55 pm, Blogger BEAST said...

Right well

We dont like the look of usher over at Beastbites.We are leaning more towards 50 cent wether he can dance or not or Nelly(without the metalwork in his gob).

Sport ...have you concidered synchronised swimming ???

I have an unatural hatred of anyone who can play the cello and or the oboe.


I am told by those who know and love the beast that I have a real talent for Stupidity , stating the bleeding obvious and sniggering at innapropriate times so I will just have to settle for that.

 
At 5:57 pm, Blogger fingers said...

Yes, that would have been the obvious gag, Todd.
However by using 'half the wit' it adds a touch of punnery to proceedings.
Half-wit...

 
At 6:04 pm, Blogger WJ said...

sorry, fingers, didn't realise you were punching above your weight tonight. well done and all that.

 
At 10:57 pm, Blogger Georgia said...

An unnatural hatred of people who play the oboe? I played the oboe at school. It sounds like a duck. And it makes your lips disappear. And oboists have the highest rate of brain haemorrhages in the orchestra apparently. Of course these days if I tell a guy I used to play the oboe, the "pink oboe" gags fly thick and fast. Hilarious.

 
At 11:46 pm, Anonymous SouthernBelle said...

I don't hate people who are better at stuff than me, because I have this belief that if I could actually be arsed putting effort in I could probably be quite good at 1,2,4 or 5.

I left out sport but that's because I'm ridiculously uncoordinated - I reserve coordination for my outfits!
*boom-tish*

; )

 
At 8:23 am, Blogger mushroom said...

OMG georgia, i played the oboe in the school symphony orchestra until i discovered weed......

 
At 9:07 am, Blogger WJ said...

see shroom, if you had played something like the French Horn, you would have had the world's coolest bong right there...

 
At 10:07 am, Blogger Mex said...

i played the french horn once.

he was tall with green eyes...

 
At 11:28 am, Blogger WJ said...

eeeuwww

 
At 1:30 pm, Blogger Mex said...

tee hee.

 
At 11:48 pm, Anonymous SouthernBelle said...

mmm French...

; )

 
At 6:55 pm, Blogger Georgia said...

I discovered boys at other schools who had no idea what a dork I was at my own school and the oboe fell by the wayside.

 
At 3:44 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey was just rolling thru wanted to let ya know ya got a cool blog here Nice Job.

 
At 7:50 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! »

 
At 8:16 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » »

 
At 7:07 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP Commercial insurance england ge dryer Flash web page templates http www.easytemplates.com blackberry way oldies mp3 free bingo game diagnostic set blood pressure monitor Bookkeeping quickbooks skills job description http://www.assfucking5.info http://www.fairfieldresorts3.info

 
At 1:06 pm, Blogger oakleyses said...

ugg boots, polo outlet, replica watches, tiffany jewelry, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet, louboutin pas cher, tiffany and co, oakley sunglasses, gucci handbags, tory burch outlet, oakley sunglasses, jordan pas cher, ugg boots, kate spade outlet, polo ralph lauren, longchamp pas cher, burberry pas cher, longchamp outlet, prada handbags, christian louboutin, nike outlet, prada outlet, louis vuitton, jordan shoes, nike roshe, louis vuitton, louis vuitton outlet, christian louboutin uk, replica watches, christian louboutin outlet, nike air max, nike free, christian louboutin shoes, ray ban sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, air max, oakley sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet online, nike free run, sac longchamp pas cher, uggs on sale, michael kors pas cher, chanel handbags, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton outlet, cheap oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses wholesale

 
At 1:10 pm, Blogger oakleyses said...

true religion outlet, nike air max uk, timberland pas cher, true religion outlet, michael kors, guess pas cher, michael kors, ray ban uk, michael kors outlet online, hollister uk, nike free uk, burberry outlet, michael kors outlet online, kate spade, mulberry uk, coach outlet store online, uggs outlet, nike air max, north face, sac vanessa bruno, new balance, coach outlet, vans pas cher, replica handbags, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet online, nike blazer pas cher, lululemon canada, converse pas cher, oakley pas cher, michael kors outlet, ray ban pas cher, true religion outlet, burberry handbags, sac hermes, hogan outlet, nike roshe run uk, nike air force, north face uk, coach purses, michael kors outlet online, abercrombie and fitch uk, polo lacoste, nike air max uk, true religion jeans, michael kors outlet, uggs outlet, hollister pas cher, ralph lauren uk

 
At 1:14 pm, Blogger oakleyses said...

vans outlet, nike roshe run, hollister, iphone cases, north face outlet, insanity workout, beats by dre, nike trainers uk, ralph lauren, soccer jerseys, timberland boots, nike air max, bottega veneta, celine handbags, ferragamo shoes, mac cosmetics, chi flat iron, nike huaraches, lululemon, oakley, hollister, asics running shoes, herve leger, hollister clothing, baseball bats, ghd hair, north face outlet, valentino shoes, lancel, vans, jimmy choo outlet, hermes belt, giuseppe zanotti outlet, abercrombie and fitch, babyliss, mcm handbags, louboutin, ray ban, p90x workout, reebok outlet, nike air max, wedding dresses, mont blanc pens, soccer shoes, converse outlet, nfl jerseys, longchamp uk, gucci, new balance shoes, instyler

 
At 1:17 pm, Blogger oakleyses said...

wedding dresses, thomas sabo, pandora charms, swarovski crystal, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, karen millen uk, canada goose outlet, links of london, ugg pas cher, doudoune moncler, ugg uk, supra shoes, canada goose jackets, moncler outlet, coach outlet, swarovski, canada goose outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, pandora jewelry, moncler, louis vuitton, hollister, pandora uk, pandora jewelry, louis vuitton, canada goose, toms shoes, canada goose uk, replica watches, moncler, louis vuitton, moncler uk, louis vuitton, montre pas cher, ugg, moncler outlet, moncler, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, canada goose, moncler, marc jacobs, juicy couture outlet

 

Post a Comment

<< Home